Beat Incomplete: The 'Like a Virgin' Blog

'Day' Job

2007-09-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

There Goes My Boffo Box Office

2007-07-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

Mingle²

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

sex (9x)
sexy (6x)
crap (2x)
assholes (1x)

Damn, I thought "Ben Shapiro" or "collective vagina" would have done it.

Friday Random Ten

2007-01-26T10:53:00.000-08:00

Previous editions here.

"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Dance With a Pimp," Kevin Federline (featuring Ya Boy)
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna

Please Stand By

2007-01-23T08:52:00.000-08:00

The blogger is ill. Regular posting will resume shortly, including my Las Vegas story, which will involve Marcel from "Top Chef," Pete Rose, the lead singer of the Flaming Lips and lots of porn.

The Most Beautiful Sight

2007-01-21T17:50:00.000-08:00

Let's all heartily thank Terri for continuing this amazing blog while I was in Las Vegas for the "Like a Virgin" conference. Trying to figure out how my mind works? I think that makes her the most ambitious guest blogger in "Like a Virgin" blogging history.

I will have a full report from the conference tomorrow, but as a tease, let me just say that all of us conference participants felt shiny and new in one another's company, despite the effects of the viscous air inside the Gold Spike.

Anybody got a twenty I can borrow?

Not-So-Veiled References

2007-01-19T19:27:00.000-08:00

I rewatched Madonna's performance of our favorite song at the 1984 MTV Awards, with the sound off, and I have to say it reminds me of George Michael's "Star Wars" performance in "Arrested Development." Except for when she humps her veil.
That perception could come from the fact that the camera seems to have trouble following her, as she throws herself to the ground and then practically walks off the stage at some point.
You'll be happy to know this woman, all growed up, is No. 4 on Forbes's list of the richest women in entertainment. The list has all these caveats - it doesn't include people who don't really work and just live off royalties, for example - but good for the Material Girl!
And that will pass for today in virgin news.

How Tim's Brain Works

2007-01-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

I can't find ANY new virgin news today. And I still have no idea why Richard Branson calls all his companies "virgin," though I plan to fix that ... tomorrow, maybe.
Tonight, what we will ponder is the creator of this blog, who has so wisely let me guest blog in his absence.
Does he mean for the whole blog to beat about "Like a Virgin" the song, or the album of the same name? Because if we open up to blogging about such song as "Material Girl," from that album, it really could get exciting.
And why did he choose to be difficult and call comments "deflowerings"?
How much money has he lost in Vegas? What will he bring me as a present for guest blogging? Hopefully a belt that says "boy toy," in honor of the Material Girl herself.

Today in Virgin News

2007-01-17T20:03:00.000-08:00

Richard Branson's Virgin America is trying to overhaul its ownership so that the U.S. government gives it the right to fly. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to find out why Branson calls everything "virgin."
Or one of you can tell me.

Come Again?

2007-01-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

From your guest blogger:
I've only ever really sung "Like a Virgin" while slightly hammered, so I'm not sure whether I know the lyrics. I've danced like a rock star to them, though. I'm sure there's video evidence out there somewhere.
Apparently many people out there have thought that Madonna dropped the f-bomb instead of saying "touched" in the "touched for the very first time" line. Seriously? This is Madonna, people. Subtlety is how she plays it. Haven't you seen her music videos?
Others thought that it was "touched for the thirty-first time."
Guess they were more hammered than I was.

Meet Your Temporary Not Madonna

2007-01-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

I have good news and good news. I'm going to Vegas! Yes, through your generous contributions, I will be able to attend the fabulous "Like a Virgin" convention, held in the prestigious Gold Spike parking lot. My only problem is deciding which seminars to attend. They all look so good!

Out With the Cabbage, in With the "Like a Virgin" Tomatoes! (Discussion and dance-off led by Sean D'Souza, marketing genius, pictured at right)
Lacy White Garters: Are They for Your Legs? (equipment fee applies)
Will You Ever Feel Shiny and New Again?
Ben Shapiro: Like a Virgin or Is a Virgin? (moderated by Ben Shapiro)
Groupie-Avoidance Techniques for "Like a Virgin" Bloggers
"Made It Through the Wilderness": Ovidian Allegory of Sex or Hallucination of the Post-Deconstructionist Collective Vagina? (Lecture featuring James Miller of the University of Western Ontario. Free Barbie-and Foucault doll sets will be handed out!)

Anyway, the other good news is that guest blogger Terri will be holdin' it down during my absence. She's been practicing in Paris, where she did nothing in the past week but sit in her hotel room in a wedding dress, watching the VMA video over and over again.

You're in good hands, readers.

Madonna vs. Weird Al: The Final Round

2007-01-16T09:54:00.000-08:00

The eyes of the world are on a packed Virgin-Surgeon Stadium to see if Weird Al can comes back to tie the competition and force overtime or Madonna walks away with it. (Here are the all the rounds. After getting behind early, "Like a Virgin" leads the series, 4-3.)

Madonna:

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Ooh, baby

Can't you hear my heart beat

For the very first time?

Analysis: Madonna's definitely in her prevent defense here in the song's outro, playing it safe with some sexy moans and a slightly adapted reiteration of an earlier chorus motif. We're definitely in a languid post-sex haze, so she gets points for easily getting that across. I like a concise pop song. I'm just a little confused as to why she assumes her partner is only now hearing her heartbeat for the first time. Madonna's already commented repeatedly on sensing the partner's heartbeat. My guess is it's a clunky allegory for rebirth. Which sounds pretty un-feminist: Through sperm, I can live again!

Bottom Line: The lyrics are appropriate for writhe time, but the post-moan line could be a little less cheesy.

Weird Al:

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Ooh, baby, yeah

I can hear your heartbeat

For the very last time

Analysis: I'm going to take it a little easy on this one, because Al obviously doesn't have much to work with here. He gamely tackles the "Ohs," gaining irony points, but no way he's going to win that substanza vs. an actual sexy woman. He's no Ida Slapter. Then he goes the obvious route with the heartbeat, but it is a fitting end to the song.

Bottom Line: Always workmanlike, Al here does what he has to do to wrap up the song, no more and no less.

Verdict: Both songs kinda play it safe here at the end, though it is only an outro. I will award this point, and the championship, to Madonna because, in the end, it came down to ironic sexy vs. real sexy, and that's a no-brainer.

Madonna has successfully defended her song against the parodic challenger. Weird Al and his fans should not despair, however: "Beat It" was too afraid of "Eat It" to even have a competition.

Pretender to the Throne

2007-01-15T11:56:00.000-08:00

Someone named Sophie Ellis-Bextor is making some waves with her song "Catch You."

I think the song is all right, but the video is amazing -- in that it wouldn't even exist if it weren't for "Like a Virgin." The dress (OK, it's red!), the writhing, Venice. Others have made this connection, so you know it's not my single-minded focus on Ben Shapiro, uhhh ... I mean "Like a Virgin." I suppose it might be a coincidence, because I guess you run out of interesting locations for sexy videos at some point, but I have my doubts.

The only real problem I have with the video is that I can't think of what plot reason she might have for playing air hockey at her breakfast table. But her red dresses are hot, so she has my blessing. You may breathe now.

Welcome!

2007-01-14T08:56:00.000-08:00

Thanks to super-awesome blog World O' Crap for the link! Good things happen when I blog about Ben Shapiro, also including getting hits from people who googled "ben shapiro douche." It's just site-meter gold, apparently.

For those of you who are new to the site, that excitement you feel in the air is for the finale of Madonna vs. Weird Al, a stanza-by-stanza evaluation of "Like a Virgin" vs. "Like a Surgeon," coming early this week. It's like Super Bowl week, except for the part about the actual competition not living up to the hype.

The Virgin vs. the Grandma

2007-01-13T03:22:00.000-08:00

I have already theorized on these pages that young, lithe, virginal conservative commentator Ben Shapiro gets his main motivation from being jealous of people who fuck. And his latest column supports the idea that he is full of "conservative jealousy." However, I seem to have underestimated the depth of his psychological problems. I had never considered that a source of envy might be sexual organs he does not posses. But here we have Virgin Ben, just dripping with jealous rage about lady parts:

Nancy Pelosi, however, could breastfeed on the speaker's podium and receive the plaudits of the mainstream media.

Pelosi is 66. I think she'd deserve a medal for that feat!

No woman in the history of politics has used her womb like Nancy Pelosi.

And Ben has never used his dick. So they're even.

It is no less offensive for Pelosi to run based on her uterus than it would be for a man to campaign based on his working prostate.

Yes, she got elected because there's nothing San Francisco voters like more than uterus. All they think about over there is breeding!

It insults women by stating that their special qualification for inclusion in politics springs from their genitalia.

"Spring from their genitalia"? He needs to lay off on researching porn.

Not Quite 'Like a Virgin,' Vol. 4: Marilyn Manson Edition

2007-01-12T11:35:00.000-08:00

Somewhat amazingly considering my blogging prowess, Marilyn Manson's cover of "Like a Virgin" had escaped my attention. The situation has now been rectified. Listen here. (The site seems to think it's Blur, not Marilyn Manson, but, ummm, HA HA HA HA!)

I tell you, if anyone can make "edgy," "transgressive" or scary sound boring, it's this guy. Just plug it into the formula, Marilyn: Scratchy background noise, pointlessly fake drums, layers of keyboards (They're supposed to sound gothy, but that's just his look. Keyboards sound like '80s pop. Period.), hissy/breathy singing alternating with stiff, Teutonic baritone. Yawn. He's at the point where he's not scary in the least (and with this song selection, I actually think he's going for "cute"), and he's no pop wizard. Which leaves him with ... not much. At least he has a new girlfriend.

And I didn't even get into the five minutes of what could charitably be called "instrumental" at the end. Yes, it's a drum machine jam! Well, the length of the song did make me angry, which is an effect he probably hasn't had on anyone (expect his wife) in years.

Friday Random Ten: One Bassline Fits All

2007-01-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Livin' on a Prayer," Bon Jovi
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch)," The Four Tops
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Billie Jean, " Michael Jackson

RELATED: Check out the top 8 on this list of the top 100 '80s songs (according to VH1, apparently). Those eight songs have only 6 basslines! What happened?! Was there a shortage of bass clef staff paper in the '80s?

Madonna vs. Weird Al: Countdown to the Championship Round

2007-01-11T12:08:00.000-08:00

Songs About Sex Sell Stuff

2007-01-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

When Sean D'Souza wrote about using "Like a Virgin" to market products, he totally dropped the ball, losing his train of thought in a tsunami of mixed metaphors and bizarre psychobabble, or at least just babble. So as a public service, I will take a much more straightforward approach to this crucial subject.

Here are some products "Like a Virgin" would make a great commercial jingle for, in order of appropriateness:

1. Douche. A terrible product and a scam, of course, and a word best left as an insult for Ben Shapiro. But "you made me feel shiny and new"? Come on, you know you can move units with that!

2. The Bushnell Onix 400. This new gizmo combines GPS tracking with XM satellite radio, so you can actually listen to "I made it through the wilderness" while you are making it through the wilderness!

3. A nice, big dildo. This relies on the "Reservoir Dogs" theory of "Like a Virgin," that it's about a woman's first experience with, uhh, something huge. The "make me strong, make me bold" part can be a nice touch of go-it-alone female empowerment, too, but the ad would have to avoid the "when your heart beats" parts of the song. And it wouldn't hurt to use some snippets of dialogue from that scene in the movie, to prime the viewer.

4. Not-first-wedding wedding dresses. This one is kinda self-explanatory.

Weird Al's Fans Put on Their Rally Caps

2007-01-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

He may be down 4-3 in the "Like a Virgin"-"Like a Surgeon" Bowl, but at least one blogger is getting the wave started in his section of the stands. Is there enough time on the clock for a comeback?

What He Said

2007-01-10T14:08:00.000-08:00

En el 2004 lanzo I’d Like a Virgin, donde ofrecería su particular visión de canciones de Michael Jackson, Coldplay o Snoopy Dog.

Indeed!

Ben Shapiro, I Found Your Match

2007-01-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

Dawn Eden, former employee of a tawdry New York tabloid, is a professional neo-virgin, or born-again virgin -- or Like a Virgin for the purposes of this blog. She has gone from drummer-banging rocker girl to a vow of chastity. That's cool. C'est la vie 'n' shit.

She's written a book, "Thrill of the Chaste." (She cannot write a headline without making a fucking pun.) I haven't read it, but I can tell from the title that it's about how exciting it is to bag virgins. Which seems at odds with her mission, but whatever.

But this is really why I am bringing her up: Miss Like a Virgin recently called women who wear anti-rape buttons* sluts.

Conceptually, the "I ♥ EC" shirt echoes the V-Day "Consent Is Sexy" button campaign. It's intended to present the wearer as a bold single woman taking charge of her life, but it really only shows her availability to men who seek sex sans responsibility. The message is, "If you have sex with me, I'll make sure you have no child to support. If the EC doesn't work, I'll abort the little bugger. Nothing can get in the way of your having sex with me free from any consequences.''

Heaven help us if a single woman wants control of her life! If you let anything into your dirty hole, you must pay the consequences! Everyone knows that from Slut Shaming 101. But I can only wonder what hidden psychological motivations are behind assuming that someone who takes a stand against rape is obviously just askin' for cock. That is too fucked up.

It's too easy to ridicule that passage. I almost feel bad for her. So I'm going to focus on the bigger problem: She had a bad experience with banging a series of hot drummers, with their supple, lithe bodies and strong arms and Pantene mullets. Therefore, that scene isn't right for her, and she should keep her hormones in check and wait for a guy to settle down with. OK. I'm with her so far. To her, though, this also means that pre-marital sex is bad for anyone in any circumstance.

He grasps the subtext of my book: that, unlike what the wider culture claims, there is only one healthy way to embody adult sexuality

Can she be any more narcissistic? I'm glad she's found her way, but she should not assume the rest of us have the same bizarre hangups (No masturbation!) she has.

And not a lot of people want to hear they can't ride any of the rides from someone who just left the amusement park.

* and women who support emergency contraception, which shows their commitment to perventing abortions

Simple Answers to Ridiculous Questions

2007-01-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

Need a Cool and Edgy Pop Culture Treatise on Chastity?

No.

Madonna vs. Weird Al, Round 7

2007-01-09T08:49:00.000-08:00

We're really getting down to the wire, folks, in the "Like a Virgin" vs. "Like a Surgeon" slugfest. Each artist has won three stanzas. Because last week's guests were so good, I wanted to invite another guest analyst, but, sadly, Ben Shapiro was too busy meticulously researching porn. So I'm on my own. Here are the contestants:

Madonna:

Like a virgin, ooh, ooh

Like a virgin

Feels so good inside

When you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me

Analysis: Steamy! Glad I woke up in time for this. In another five minutes, she not going to be like a virgin anymore, right? Keeping up the frantic pace of at least one totally inane lyric per stanza, Madonna lets us know that she likes it when our hearts are still beating. Thanks! Maybe I shouldn't take that for granted, though. Check out the plot to her movie "Body of Evidence," courtesy of World O' Crap:

D.A. Joe Mantegna declares that Madonna "is the murder weapon itself." He compares her to a knife or a gun. Clearly, stricter Madonna control legislation is needed. The NRA counters that "If you outlaw Madonnas, only outlaws will have mediocre pop stars."

Bottom Line: It's getting hot in herrrre!

Weird Al:

Like a surgeon, ooh-hoo

Like a surgeon

When I reach inside

With my scalpel, and my forceps, and retractors

Analysis: Mr. Yankovic's stanza deftly parallels the Madonna lyrics here, something he's had trouble doing at times. This is the verse with the description of the act. But it does reinforce a more basic parallelism problem, as I've noted before: Being like a surgeon means cuttin', not cuttin' for the first time. That would be "Like a Rookie Surgeon."

Bottom Line: Detail is very important to successful parody, and he does a good job here by seductively reciting some very not-sexy things.

Verdict: Madonna sqeaks through to take the lead back. A good effort by Al, but I'll take porn over gore any day.

The White Fingerless Gloves Heard Round the World

2007-01-08T11:28:00.000-08:00

In other blogs:

Awesome feminist divinity student "D"(whom I actually know in real life) discovers the power of "Like a Virgin" accessories.

Becky C., a "post-modern neo-feminist libertarian" in short shorts, considers Angelina Jolie a pretender to Madonna's throne. Either Madonna, as it turns out!

Dan C. casts his vote for the paradoxically named "Confessions Tour Studio Version." And check out his list -- doesn't it just scream "married guy in Iowa"? I almost got through that sentence with a straight face.

"Like a Virgin" may or may not have inspired someone named David to compose an incomprehensible limerick. What is beyond question, though, is that David is an asshole:

My verse, is of course, fictional. Nevertheless, it is germane here to mention that there are indeed feminists who loathe being viewed as sexual objects, yet simultaneously gaze on beautiful young men and boys with apparent lust. In the interests of libel avoidance, I shall mention no names.

It's the Strawfeminist again, that anti-sex slut who lusts after men she doesn't want!

What Is and What Should Never Be

2007-01-07T18:23:00.000-08:00

The discovery that "Like a Virgin" was written by a couple of Tin Pan Alley types who shopped it around for a singer to record has led some bloggers to wonder what would have happened had the song come into the world in a different genre. Luckily for you, I'm one of those bloggers, so here we go:

Good:

Torch song. The "personal journey" narrative fits well with the genre, and the edgy and fun chorus could have helped an old torchy songstress connect with a new generation. Nina Simone, maybe?

Shania-style country. It mentions wilderness, so it's in touch with the heartland! And those line-dancin' flyover people are into weird religious crap like being a born-again virgin. And also taking songs too literally.

Bad:

Weedly guitar-god metal. While it would be funny to see some poodle-haired guy sing about being touched for the very first time before getting out of Yngwie's way, the song is way too intimate. I don't think this genre had any personal pronouns.

Hippie jam rock. This song is for writhing, not spinning in circles. And I just don't hear a five-string-bass solo.

A Vastly Inferior 'Like a Virgin' Blogger

2007-01-06T15:00:00.000-08:00

"CaLl Me WoNdErFuLl" seems to think it's perfectly acceptable to just publish the lyrics to the entire song, adding absolutely nothing. But I am going to be sad for her rather than pissy, so instead of reminding you all what a fantastic job I do blogging about "Like a Virgin," I'm going to just ask each of you to reach deep down and give as much as you can -- every little bit counts -- to help fix her shift key. Poor girl, they probably don't even have functioning shift keys in Newton, North Carolina.

Friday Random Ten

2007-01-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"I'd Like a Virgin," Richard Cheese
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"When the Levee Breaks," Led Zeppelin
"Like a Virgin," That Girl Who Sang "I Want Candy"

Dear readers, put your iPod or iTunes or (cough, ha ha ha ha ha) umm, Zune on shuffle and then list the first 10 songs in the comments section.

Everyone Knows Avalon Is a Red State!

2007-01-05T09:36:00.000-08:00

Via fellow D.C. blogger Scott (don't forget to check out the Friday Meat of the Week!), I found a list of the 49 most conservative Madonna songs, making fun of the National Review's laugh-out-loud 50 most conservative rock songs.

In her excellent and extensive list, Juste Milieu, who, thankfully, writes in English, said this about "Like a Virgin," which I'm proud to say was No. 1!

1. Like a Virgin. A chastity promise set to music, this hit glorifies virginity and reminds us that born-again virgins can be just as chaste—and sexy—as any other kind. In this song, Madonna teaches us that a saving oneself can be a struggle, but it is worth it when you find that one true love: “I made it through the wilderness/Somehow I made it through/Didn't know how lost I was/Until I found you”

Another favorite:

7. Holiday. A battle cry in the war on Christmas. This song proves that the word “Holiday” is unspecific and inane.

The National Review list was the funniest thing in the history of the Series of Tubes. Completely earnestly, with a straight face, it made the case that Sex Pistols and Clash songs were, ummm, actually right-wing anthems. And, sounding like That Comic Book Guy, the list's writer hilariously included "The Battle of Evermore," from Led Zeppelin IV, a lame song that sounds like it's about World of Warcraft '71 or something on an otherwise totally ass-kicking rock album. Here are some sample lyrics:

I hear the horses thunder
Down in the valley below
I'm waiting for the angels of Avalon
Waiting for the eastern glow

OK, conservatives, make a move to claim Hobbit rock as right wing. You'll be ruling pop culture in no time! I'm so scared! Next is Friday Ork Meat of the Week! In fairness to National Review political reporter John J. Miller, though, the Zeppelin selection is no more of a stretch than about 43 of the other songs on the list.

UPDATE: For another alternative 50-most-conservative list, check out Jon Swift.

8. Meat Loaf
"I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)"
In these times where it seems anything goes, Meat Loaf reminds us there are limits.

I, too, always thought that song was about anal sex!

Not Quite 'Like a Virgin,' Vol. 3

2007-01-04T12:47:00.000-08:00

Very much not quite. Sorry for your ears, but I know you want it.

Madonna vs. Weird Al, Round 6

2007-01-03T11:06:00.000-08:00

So far, "Like a Surgeon" leads "Like a Virgin," 3 to 2. We've come to the second iteration of the chorus, which we'll skip, meaning there are three real stanzas left.

I'm feeling lazy today, so Madonna's stanza will be analyzed by special guests James Miller of the University of Western Ontario (go, Mustangs!) and Sean D'Souza of Psycho Tactics, the Dr. Nick of marketing. I'll handle Weird Al duties.

Madonna:

You're so fine, and you're mine

I'll be yours 'til the end of time

'Cause you made me feel; yeah, you made me feel

I've nothing to hide

Professor Miller's analysis: Mr. Not Madonna earlier cast aspersions on "so fine ... you're mine," calling it "the hackiest rhyme in history." But what he fails to comprehend is that Madonna, through her ghostwriters, has blown apart the virgin-metamorphosis Ovidian paradigm, replacing it with an assertion of the power of her post-semi-pre-post-modern vagina. Also note the ontological fecundity of the phrase "I've nothing to hide." Mmm, hmm.

Sean "Dr. Nick" D'Souza's analysis: Out with the cabbage, and in with the tomatoes! Madonna realizes that the customers want a reverse Elton John running backward. And that's what she does when she goes from being the wilderness cabbage to the Big Tomato. Every good marketer knows that sex is a 5,000-year-old psychological tactic, so why reinvent the pooper scooper?

Bottom Line: Ovid is a gardener who has now had sex.

Weird Al:

It's a fact - I'm a quack

The disgrace of the AMA

'Cause my patients die; yeah, my patients die

Before they can pay

Analysis: Ignoring Weird Al's inexplicable deviation from the rhyme scheme of the original, he loses points for falling into Madonna's trap: repeating the same concept over and over again, with not much new to add. He also implies that the AMA is just out for money, which may or may not be true but sounds kinda assholey. Like he had to make the punchline a really broad joke about doctors. I don't get that. If it were about insurance companies, sure. Insurance people don't go through like 38 years of schooling to do what they do.

Bottom Line: Not Ovidian at all.

Verdict: I think all three of us can agree that Madonna has just tied it up!

Madonna's 'Ovidian Allegories of Sex'

2007-01-02T19:25:00.000-08:00

James Miller, a professor at the University of Western Ontario (go, Mustangs!), agrees with commenter Sadie that the wilderness metaphor at the beginning of "Like a Virgin" is awesome:

We should imagine the speaker of the lyrics to be a worldly-wise, sexually jaded City Woman who's imagining what it would be like to return to the blissful pastoral state of virginal innocence. Notice the little allegory of the journey signifying the fantasized transition from sexual innocence to experience back to virginal bliss, newness, freshness. This is an allegory of sex that goes back to the Roman poet Ovid.

This, of course, is crap. Intellectually rigorous social scientist that I am, I reached a kneejerk conclusion that the lyric was just a ham-fisted (and thematically bizarre) metaphor for a rough period in one's life, and then set out to find evidence tailored to my theory. The similarly rigorous Wikipedia immediately delivered. Read it and weep:

Their breakthrough occurred in 1985 with the song "Like a Virgin." Steinberg later recalled writing the lyric in 1983 following a failed relationship, and recalled that he had genuinely felt that he'd "made it through the wilderness" and that he was "beat, incomplete".

Score one for the Tim! (Please note that I consider the debate open on whether it's an effective pop lyric.)

Professor Miller does apparently give some bitchin' tests, though:

ANOTHER TIP: You will be required to answer questions relating to the erotic cultures of ALL the cities

Mustangs, indeed!

'Like a Virgin,' According to Your Worst Business Professor

2007-01-01T16:24:00.000-08:00

"Like a Virgin" isn't just fodder for feminism debates and college term papers. It's also a marketing paradigm explored in a newsletter article called "Like a Virgin: Is Your Marketing as Fresh as Madonna's?" that is the shittiest piece of writing I have ever seen by an adult. Yes, I joined the marketing newsletter to be able to see the story. And OMG, was it worth it! I'm going to give you a rundown of the best bits and my take on them, but I encourage you to join MarketingProfs.com today!

Sean D'Souza, who claims to help you harness 5,000-year-old "psychological tactics" to sell shit, actually wrote these things in a newsletter supposedly written by marketing professors and professionals:

While Madonna soars, everyone else seems to stumble, bumble and disappear down a deep, dark hole.

Paging Dr. Freud!

Simple snip-snaps you and I understand. Which is why even Einstein kept it down to E=mc2 despite reinventing everything science stood for.

I cannot even begin to comment on that one.

Hey, Frank Sinatra was a great singer, but he just didn't have Madonna's figure and he'd look crappy as a blonde. Which is pretty much the crux of the issue.

And that's why he failed miserably!

Sting is a good example of a parallel Madonna run backwards.

Exactly! And I've always said that this blog is a good example of a bias-cut Engelbert Humperdinck pressed through a Play-Doh pasta maker.

Sometimes the reinvention is loud and sometimes its soft but it's never non-existent.

I will give Sean D'Souza credit for this one: Nonexistent reinventions do not, in fact, exist.

You can serve twenty shoddy meals at your restaurant and still get away with it, but [pop stars] can't.

This is so not true. Everyone in the know about "the industry" will tell you that the Denny's Incident was what did in the Backstreet Boys.

And now my favorite: The Cavalcade of Mixed Metaphors!

Madonna seems to have used the same bag of tricks. Reinventing herself in almost clockwork fashion she has transmogrified herself successfully into virgin, material girl, boy toy, dominatrix, media maven to working mom.

Out with the Cabbage, In with the Tomatoes!

Replant the Garden, Don't Chop the Trees! Are we suggesting you reinvent the wheel? Madonna doesn't think so. Like a hardcore brand specialist, Madonna has actually stuck to her brand like glue.

Don't Reinvent the Goodyear!

So, in conclusion: Marketing's answer to Dr. Nick says that if you want to sell more crap, you need to get rid of that cabbage; plant some transmogrified 5,000-year-old tomatoes in your deep, dark hole; and run them backward. Just like a virgin.

Someone Is a More Dedicated Madonna Blogger Than I

2006-12-30T17:18:00.000-08:00

And pretty mean, too. But fun!

But look at the comments there! OMG, a lot of people seem to take that site at face value.

Friday Random Ten

2006-12-29T15:05:00.000-08:00

"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Rico Suave," Gerardo
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna

For Your Entertainment

2006-12-29T15:03:00.000-08:00

I love the caption under the "Like a Virgin" album image here. A pretty funny page, overall. But Bill O'Reilly? Not Ben Shapiro?

Raising the 'Like a Virgin' Discourse

2006-12-28T17:03:00.000-08:00

This is one of the goals of this blog. You might not have known that the "Like a Virgin" discourse needed to be raised. But take a look at this comments thread over on YouTube.* (I count three votes for Weird Al vs. one for Madonna, by the way.) The commenters simply assert that one or the other is better. There is not even the shallowest of analysis. Do these people really think that "ne way" is not only a word but an argument-killer?

*I realize this is a link to a video, but I followed the link on a computer without Flash, so my streak of blogging about "Like a Virgin" while not listening to it lives on.

I'm It: 5 Things You Don't Know About Me

2006-12-27T11:51:00.000-08:00

Looks like I've been tagged. I'm playing this one under protest because of long-standing anti-chain-e-mail beliefs, but I'm going to be a trouper, just for Red Panda Zone. So anyway, here are five things you don't know about me:

1. My Friday Random Tens are real. Yes, my malfunctioning iPod/iTunes was really the inspiration for this blog. I never even bought "Like a Virgin" from iTunes! It just automatically subbed it in 182 times after my connection failed when I tried to buy the collected works of Yngwie Malmsteen. (How the fuck did he get a dot-org?!)

2. Sometimes when I'm all alone, I cry. I cry because most people in the world don't get very much -- or any!!! -- daily "Like a Virgin" news and/or commentary.

3. I think about lyrics at least 10 times a day. At least eight of those are not "Like a Virgin."

4. When my grandfather was dying of having a tractor fall on him, the nurse played him "Like a Virgin," and he lived. And immediately became 20 years younger and very hot. So that's not really about me, but I think it explains a lot.

5. I don't know who's going to win the battle between Weird Al and Madonna. I kinda make those things up on the spot. Stop asking!

I hereby tag Karen and Kevin.

Madonna vs. Weird Al, Round 5

2006-12-26T11:17:00.000-08:00

In the "Like a Virgin" vs. "Like a Surgeon" battle, our contestants are tied at 2.

Ciccone:

You're so fine, and you're mine

Make me strong, yeah you make me bold

Oh, your love thawed out; yeah, your love thawed out

What was scared and cold

Analysis: This is hilarious. I wish this one was the parody. "Your love thawed out" is so facile and yet disturbing a line that I hope some blogger someday appropriates it for a blog title or subtitle. So she needs a man to make her not frigid. OMG, is she a Republican? Oh, yeah, and "you're so fine and you're mine" makes me rethink my long-held position that "fire/desire" is the hackiest rhyme in history.

Bottom Line: Holy shit, I hope she's joking.

Yankovic:

Let me see that IV

Here we go -- time to operate

I'll pull his insides out, pull his insides out

And see what he ate

Analysis: Weird Al goes for the gross joke. Ehh. Whatever. I like the plot movement, though. Things are happening! Now it's time to operate! As opposed to Madonna's repeated stating of the same idea, which has been going on for, like, five stanzas. Cohesiveness is good, but stories are better! I also kinda like the colloquial use of "let me see" in this stanza. I wonder if Weird Al was chided, as I was, by an overly literal grade-school teacher over that.

Bottom Line: Well, at least nothing got thawed out.

Verdict: Al takes the lead.

Dept. of My Prescience

2006-12-25T17:38:00.000-08:00

It looks like my post for my Korean audience was more prescient than I thought, as the movie really does have to do with our song. Here's a synopsis I found of "Like a Virgin" (Buy it now on DVD!)

OH Dong-gu believes himself to be female. Although overweight and on the short side, he dreams of becoming the perfect some day, and he devotes himself to mimicking Madonna's singing and dancing after school. To cover the costs of transsexual surgery, he decides to enter a wrestling competition.

In other news, a hearty Merry Christmas to all of my Christian readers. To my non-Christian readers, please convert as soon as possible. I will be checking starting Jan. 1, and I mean it this time!

Theology Korner!

2006-12-24T18:44:00.000-08:00

I feel obligated to make note of Christmas in some way, as this is a blog about a song called "Like a Virgin" sung by a woman named after Jesus's mom.

I'm not a big Christmas guy; it's cool and shit, but I'm not like all into it or anything. I am, however, a super-anal copy editor, so I'll use this opportunity to point out that when God knocked up Mary approximately 2,006 years and nine months ago, it was not the Immaculate Conception. As my friend Webster tells me, that refers to the fact that when Mary was born, she did not inherit any of that original sin stuff. Which might explain why she stayed "pure," and if that's true, what does that tell you about religion fucking with our heads re: sex?

A lot. Thank God I didn't go to Catholic school.

Side Effects

2006-12-23T08:14:00.000-08:00

I mentioned earlier that "Like a Virgin" was playing in my head incessantly when I started blogging about it.

Oh, that fickle brain of mine. Now the song rarely, if ever, comes up. And if I start hearing that bassline, it's more likely to turn out to be "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch" or "Livin' on a Prayer."

This is what I think happened: I inoculated myself. I am the type of person to use the Internets to diagnose myself instead of going to a doctor, so why not do-it-myself inoculations, too? So apparently I infected my brain with a low-grade strain (starting blogging about it but without having listened to it other than as background music at the Diner) of "Like a Virgin." And it seems to have cured me.

There are side effects, though: Curiously, the rest of Madonna's canon has been rocketing up my brain's Hot 100. Well, everyone thinks I'm blogging about "Like a Prayer" anyway.

Friday Random Ten

2006-12-22T21:22:00.000-08:00

"Like a Virgin" -- Madonna
"Like a Virgin" -- Madonna
"Like a Virgin" -- Madonna
"Like a Virgin" -- Madonna
"Like a Virgin" -- Madonna
"Big Sister in Hollywood" -- Lil Hospital
"Like a Virgin" -- Madonna
"Like a Virgin" -- Madonna
"Like a Virgin" -- Madonna
"Like a Virgin" -- Madonna

The 'Like a Virgin' Atlas

2006-12-21T22:04:00.000-08:00

Following reader Sadie's advice, here are some places where one might expect to hear "Like a Virgin":

The Diner
An '80s night
An abstinence rally that's trying really hard to be hip but, unsurprisingly, doesn't quite get it
J.C. Penney (on Muzak, though)
Any strip club

And some places where one would least expect it:

Asylum
Planned Parenthood
Sean Penn's bedroom
A bachelor party
A football locker room

Madonna vs. Weird Al, Round 4

2006-12-20T11:19:00.000-08:00

Madonna leads 2-1 on the strength of the second verse and chorus. Let's get to Round 4 and the first stanza after the chorus.

Madonna:

Gonna give you all my love, boy

My fear is fading fast

Been saving it all for you

'Cause only love can last

Analysis: Hoo, man. This stanza really evokes the Western virgin fetish, doesn't it? Amanda Marcotte said it best when she said something along the lines of: We will never advance as a society until we get over the idea that sex is something that women own and men therefore have to beg, borrow or steal for.
The requisite Madonna-as-feminist (which she obviously is) defense would have to be simply that it's absurdism. "Like a virgin" as kinky role play, maybe.

Bottom Line: I have a hard time believing that Madonna was far enough on her feminist trajectory in 1984 that it would have eclipsed the need to be really popular. And so I think the first interpretation above is probably more accurate. And "only love can last" sounds too much like "true love waits" to me.

Weird Al:

Better give me all your gauze, nurse

This patient's fading fast

Complications have set in

Don't know how long he'll last

Analysis: The opening line is all right, but it's another lackluster stanza from Al after a promising beginning. At least we have some plot development. There's a subtle play on doctor-nurse sexual tension in that first line, and that's all I can think of that's cool here. The "complications" line is embarrassingly vague. What doctor would say that? What complications?

Bottom Line: Not terrific, but not as bad as the previous couple of stanzas. Also, no troubling cans of patriarchal worms opened.

Verdict: You saw this coming. Al ties it at 2. It would have been real close without the troubling can of patriarchal worms.

Wikipedia Is So Useful!

2006-12-19T11:43:00.000-08:00

I wanted to get a story of how Weird Al's "Like a Surgeon" came into being, so after I couldn't find much on regular Web sites, I turned to Wikipedia. There I learned, in reports that were meticulously footnoted to, umm, online discussion groups, that:

"Like a Surgeon" was Madonna's idea!
In the beginning of the video, a voice pages "Doctor Howard, Doctor Fine, Doctor Howard". This is from the Three Stooges short "Men In Black."
The video was shot in an actual hospital that had recently gone out of business.
When played live in concert, the song is noticeably slower and features Yankovic rolling around on a bed that is placed in the middle of the stage while keyboardist Rubén Valtierra belly dances next to him. This is a parody of Madonna's concert performances of "Like a Virgin."

Thanks, Wikipedia! I would never have gotten the parody without you!

The Garters Heard Round the World

2006-12-18T17:56:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes, yes, I was only 7 at the time, but I'm pretty sure that at the moment Madonna performed "Like a Virgin" at the first Video Music Awards on Sept. 14, 1984, I became a man.

Yes, yes, yes, other "Like a Virgin" commentators will argue that the moment was much more significant for, I don't know, launching Madonna's career or launching an era of hot, slutty writhing women or something like that. Those commentators are wrong.

Not Funny At All

2006-12-17T17:22:00.000-08:00

Speaking of virgin fetishization, this is really awful. The slightly kinder, gentler face of female genital mutilation, I guess. But it's the same old shit, and it ain't just "them" in the Mysterious East. It's "us," too.

Not Quite 'Like a Virgin,' Vol. 2

2006-12-16T14:26:00.001-08:00

Tired of the original? There are 30 covers of "Like a Virgin" available on iTunes alone. At least 29 of these covers appear to be "ironic," either loungey like Richard Cheese or punky.

I'm way too cheap and not obsessed to listen to all of these, or even one of them, so I'll give you a list of the most interestingly named artists, lovingly alphabetically ordered:

Anal Mucus
Canadian Studmuffin
Karschten Buawe
The Lounge-O-Leers

There's also a "Shocking 80s House Mix." Isn't this a sign of the "XXXX-Treme" marketing technique going way, way too far? I am going to go out on a limb and say there's nothing about an '80s-style house remix of anything that could in anyway be shocking.

Oh, and speaking of different approaches to a similar end, there are two covers tagged as having "explicit lyrics": Richard Cheese's and MC Lyte's.

Breaking News for My Korean Audience

2006-12-15T13:22:00.000-08:00

Limited-Edition DVD of a movie called "Like a Virgin" comes out in only a week! Pre-order your copy today!

Cliche

2006-12-15T12:45:00.000-08:00

So at least 55 people apparently have used the phrase "Like a Virgin" in conjunction with "first blog post." Yawn. Not as old and worn as, say, newspaper stories using the phrase "white stuf f" to mean snow or those ghastly "Yes, Virginia, ..." headlines, but how about something a little less obvious, please? Or at least use an obvious nuevo-cliche that isn't related to my song!

Ben Shapiro, I Still Love You!

2006-12-14T18:28:00.000-08:00

I noticed today that I recently got a visit from Harvard University, home of our friend Ben Shapiro. I also noticed a Technorati referral from a blog search for "Ben Shapiro." If that's really you, Ben, don't take it personally! I think you're terrific. And please tell all your fans to read my blog! It'll be a big virgin party!

I will use this opportunity to offer up the first in a (hopefully) long and popular game series: Like a Virgin or Is a Virgin?

I couldn't find a recent column from Ben Shapiro, professional virgin, confirming that he's still a virgin. So:

Ben Shapiro: Like a virgin or is a virgin?

I vote "is." My vote counts twice. Your mere single votes in comments.

Madonna vs. Weird Al, Round 3 (The Chorus)

2006-12-13T12:41:00.000-08:00

To recap: Weird Al won Round 1 by not being so redundant. Madonna quickly bounced back for a Round 2 win with some richness of meaning as Weird Al strained for a lame joke. Now we arrive at Stanza 3, which happens to be the payoff, the chorus.

Madonna:

Like a virgin -- hey!

Touched for the very first time

Like a virgin

When your heart beats

Next to mine

Analysis: Madonna gets off to a quick start in this round. The first two lines are definitely catchy and memorable, which is all you can ask for in a pop-song chorus. Very original. Just about perfect for what she was aiming for. Plus there's that hilarious "Hey!" The second half of the chorus, though: Yuck. OMG, could it be any cheesier? Of all the new sensations associated with losing one's virginity, that's what she picked? Give me a break! Schlock city.

Bottom Line: The terrific first two lines and "hey" help us overlook the awful second two lines. Thank god the second half of the chorus also starts with "Like a virgin," because then we can just relive the first two when we hear the end of the chorus.

Weird Al:

Like a surgeon

Cuttin' for the very first time

Like a surgeon

Organ transplants are my line

Analysis: OK, the concept is pretty funny. But the two lines with meat in this chorus are both pretty lame. First of all, "cuttin' for the very first time" doesn't make him like a surgeon; it makes him a rookie surgeon. Madonna's first two lines of the chorus have more intellectual consistency. And then, who's gonna believe that someone cuttin' for the first time is doing a transplant? At the very least, didn't he do some cuttin' in med school?

Bottom Line: Kinda cute but a pretty lame attempt. Nothing like the rigor shown in later Weird Al work. A disappointing chorus.

Verdict: Madonna takes a 2-1 lead in a walk.

Not My Blog

2006-12-12T10:59:00.001-08:00

Whoa.

Conservative Jealousy

2006-12-12T10:18:00.000-08:00

As anyone who knows me well knows, one of my favorite things in the world is thinking about right-wingers' bizarre relationship with sex. I can armchair psychoanalyze with the best 5-cent Freudians, and if it weren't for baseball statistics, it would be one of my favorite hobbies. So I saw this three-year-old column by the hard-to-believe-he-really-exists Ben Shapiro on "Like a Virgin," and I just had to comment on it.

We're all familiar with the religious right's obsession with what it considers to be deviant sex, roughly defined as gay sex and/or sex had by women (as if they had the right!). And we're all familiar with the sexist double standard and the slut shaming. So I thought it would be interesting to hang out with Ben for a while, because he fervently, publicly proclaims his virginity all over the place. So he at least doesn't participate in one of the most popular hypocrisies.

My conclusion in this case is that, while most of the religious right is primarily motivated by their small cocks or latent homosexuality, Ben is all about the jealousy. I'm all for uptight young men not putting out. (You go, boy! Hope that works out for ya!) But his whole thing is if he's not getting some, ain't no one allowed to get some. He is so bothered by the idea that Britney had sex.

I mean, what's your reaction when you hear a rich, white, young, turbo-preppy, anti-sex, conservative man call any woman, even Britney, a slut in a syndicated column? It's pretty creepy, huh? Or when you hear a rich, white, well-educated , conservative, sexist, presumably straight man complain that his kind doesn't control enough of the country? Well, that's just funny.

Karen's Blog Totally Does This Blog

2006-12-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

A shout out to Things Fall Apart for taking the "Like a Virgin" blog's link virginity. And I'm so glad my mom's blog didn't barge in on it.

My Favorite Part of 'Like a Virgin'

2006-12-11T09:23:00.000-08:00

It has to be the little "Hey!" after the first line of the chorus. It's the part of the song that I look forward to. So I started thinking about why I like it, and here's what I came up with:

I like sudden falsetto. I'm thinking of the chorus of "Timebomb" (special note on that link: I was at that show, surrounded by lesbians) by the Old 97s. This "Hey" probably qualifies.
The timing is great. Like here's the inner monologue of the song's protagonist: "Like a virgin -- hey! what's that thing in me?! ow! -- touched for the very first time."
I am coming to terms with the fact that I have some kind of fetish for extra-lyrical utterances in songs. OMG, I heart counting off, especially in the middle of a song. I'm not talking about just-filling-up-time Eddie Vedder-style whoas, though. I draw the line there.

This Week in 'Like a Virgin' History

2006-12-10T18:51:00.000-08:00

"Like a Virgin" reached No. 1 on the Billboard singles chart this week in 1984. I'm not much for anniversaries and such, and this is only the 22nd, so it's not even a round number, but the original event was particularly historic: It was Madonna's first No. 1. I think she's sold some records since then.

Hair Metal or Between Innings at a Minor League Game

2006-12-09T06:20:00.000-08:00

I am finding out that when one blogs about a particular song, one has that song stuck in one's head all day. And when one blogs daily about it, well, do the math.

A few days into my brain rooming with Madonna, I've noticed that the song morphs into other songs from time to time. A few times a day, it's "Livin' on a Prayer," by Bon Jovi. Another similar bassline!

But once in a while, as if to mock me, "Like a Virgin" turns into "The Chicken Dance." I'm not sure why. The keyboard sound, maybe? It isn't "Chicken Dance" cheesy, but it is pretty damn cheesy.

Friday Random 10

2006-12-08T11:31:00.000-08:00

Ten songs at random, pulled from my iPod, just like all the cool bloggers!

"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"In the Hall of the Mountain King," Metallica (live)
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna

And please post your own random 10s in comments, now and in all future Friday random 10s.

Madonna vs. Weird Al: Round 2

2006-12-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

In yesterday's Round 1, Weird Al edged out Madonna for best first stanza. Madonna's repeating "made it through" in back to back lines irritated me just enough to propel "Like a Surgeon" to victory. Now let's take a look at the crucial Stanza 2:

Madonna

I was beat, incomplete

I'd been had, I was sad and blue

But you made me feel

Yeah, you made me feel

Shiny and new

Analysis: Now we're getting somewhere, Miss Ciccone! Just kidding. In the first stanza, she was lost and then found. Now she, umm, still is. Wake me up for the sex scene! I do really like the "beat, incomplete" phrase, though. (Duh!) A possible annoyance is the phrase "shiny and new." That phrase alone could spark a thesis on virgin fetishization, and it probably has sparked several. It's so disarmingly simple in its equation, though ("I felt bad, now I feel good" morphs into "I felt bad; now I feel untouched"; Untouched equals good; Virgin-whore complex; Catholic background), that I have a hard time believing that Madonna -- you know, Madonna! -- was engaging in slut shaming. Perhaps the protagonist is saying that she's finally found a man who treats her right.

Bottom Line: While the plot exposition isn't moving forward, it is gaining some depth. And our first Madonna-feminism debate is hatched! Another cherry popped!

The challenger:

I was last in my class

Barely passed at the institute

Now I'm trying to avoid, yeah I'm trying to avoid

A malpractice suit

Weird Al! Weird Al! Listen to me, just because the original song is on a plot treadmill doesn't mean you have to be. Remember Round 1? All we know now is that you sucked in school, but we could kinda infer that from the first stanza. He also is already showing some signs of inconsistency, the hallmark of lazy parody. Remember, in the first stanza he makes a mistake or two. Now he's incompetent. The malpractice thing at the end gives him a small humor point. But just a small one. It mainly reminds me of tort-reform assholes.

Bottom Line: Madonna seems to have sucked Al into her trap of not advancing the plot much. Meanwhile, all Al could muster was a lame joke. A better joke, and he'd be looking much better this round.

Verdict: Madonna.

Madonna vs. Weird Al: Round 1

2006-12-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

In this first part of a series, we will evaluate the lyrics to "Like a Virgin" and "Like a Surgeon" stanza by stanza, and then I'll declare a winner. Because this was from the early, kinda dumb part of Weird Al's career, not the mind-blowingly brilliant more recent oeuvre, it should be a pretty fair fight. And feel free to post your own analyses and conclusions in the comments section.

Madonna:

I made it through the wilderness

Somehow I made it through

Didn't know how lost I was

Until I found you

Analysis: I suppose that maybe -- maybe -- she repeated the whole phrase "made it through" for emphasis, but it just comes across as lazy writing. It's not like it's an especially catchy phrase. Plus, it's such a banal statement. This stanza does set the scene effectively -- if crudely -- and I appreciate the religious undertones of the "Amazing Grace" evocation in the two ideas that are repeated here: She was lost, and now she's found.

Bottom Line: It gets the job done -- but barely. Needlessly redundant.

Now, Weird Al:

I finally made it through med school

Somehow I made it through

I'm just an intern

I still make a mistake or two

Analysis: Of course, the same "made it through" problem occurs here, and it could be to make fun of the repetition, but it seems like it's just to make sure the listener is in familiar territory: to make sure he really KNOWS he is listening to something anchored to "Like a Virgin," which will enable the artist to take more chances later. It also sets the scene for the song, and it does it pretty cleanly and without resorting to basically restating the first two lines in the last two.

Bottom Line: This stanza also conveys only two ideas, but at least Al waits until the third line to introduce the second one.

Verdict: Weird Al. That "made it through" repetition really cost Madonna.

Not Quite 'Like a Virgin,' Vol. 1

2006-12-07T10:43:00.000-08:00

"Like a Surgeon," Weird Al
"I'd Like a Virgin,"Richard Cheese (This is just an album title, not a song, as far as I know. Check it out for lounge versions of "Gin & Juice" and "Hey Ya!" too.)

Levi Stubbs Plus a Few Octaves

2006-12-06T08:44:00.000-08:00

Has anyone ever noticed that the bassline to "Like a Virgin" is, like, indistinguishable from that of "I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)," by the Four Tops? I heard "Like a Virgin" rev up in the Diner in Adams Morgan, and I mentally prepared myself for some sweet Motown lovin'. Madonna's squealy voice ca. 1984 was a shock, indeed!

Almost related: Billy Bragg's tangential tribute to the Four Tops, "Levi Stubbs' Tears," is an awesome song.

Why a 'Like a Virgin' Blog?

2006-12-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

OMG!