Madonna vs. Weird Al, Round 6

So far, "Like a Surgeon" leads "Like a Virgin," 3 to 2. We've come to the second iteration of the chorus, which we'll skip, meaning there are three real stanzas left.

I'm feeling lazy today, so Madonna's stanza will be analyzed by special guests James Miller of the University of Western Ontario (go, Mustangs!) and Sean D'Souza of Psycho Tactics, the Dr. Nick of marketing. I'll handle Weird Al duties.

Madonna:

You're so fine, and you're mine

I'll be yours 'til the end of time

'Cause you made me feel; yeah, you made me feel

I've nothing to hide

Professor Miller's analysis: Mr. Not Madonna earlier cast aspersions on "so fine ... you're mine," calling it "the hackiest rhyme in history." But what he fails to comprehend is that Madonna, through her ghostwriters, has blown apart the virgin-metamorphosis Ovidian paradigm, replacing it with an assertion of the power of her post-semi-pre-post-modern vagina. Also note the ontological fecundity of the phrase "I've nothing to hide." Mmm, hmm.


Sean "Dr. Nick" D'Souza's analysis: Out with the cabbage, and in with the tomatoes! Madonna realizes that the customers want a reverse Elton John running backward. And that's what she does when she goes from being the wilderness cabbage to the Big Tomato. Every good marketer knows that sex is a 5,000-year-old psychological tactic, so why reinvent the pooper scooper?

Bottom Line: Ovid is a gardener who has now had sex.

Weird Al:

It's a fact - I'm a quack

The disgrace of the AMA

'Cause my patients die; yeah, my patients die

Before they can pay

Analysis: Ignoring Weird Al's inexplicable deviation from the rhyme scheme of the original, he loses points for falling into Madonna's trap: repeating the same concept over and over again, with not much new to add. He also implies that the AMA is just out for money, which may or may not be true but sounds kinda assholey. Like he had to make the punchline a really broad joke about doctors. I don't get that. If it were about insurance companies, sure. Insurance people don't go through like 38 years of schooling to do what they do.

Bottom Line: Not Ovidian at all.

Verdict: I think all three of us can agree that Madonna has just tied it up!