Madonna vs. Weird Al: Round 2

In yesterday's Round 1, Weird Al edged out Madonna for best first stanza. Madonna's repeating "made it through" in back to back lines irritated me just enough to propel "Like a Surgeon" to victory. Now let's take a look at the crucial Stanza 2:

Madonna

I was beat, incomplete

I'd been had, I was sad and blue

But you made me feel

Yeah, you made me feel

Shiny and new

Analysis: Now we're getting somewhere, Miss Ciccone! Just kidding. In the first stanza, she was lost and then found. Now she, umm, still is. Wake me up for the sex scene! I do really like the "beat, incomplete" phrase, though. (Duh!) A possible annoyance is the phrase "shiny and new." That phrase alone could spark a thesis on virgin fetishization, and it probably has sparked several. It's so disarmingly simple in its equation, though ("I felt bad, now I feel good" morphs into "I felt bad; now I feel untouched"; Untouched equals good; Virgin-whore complex; Catholic background), that I have a hard time believing that Madonna -- you know, Madonna! -- was engaging in slut shaming. Perhaps the protagonist is saying that she's finally found a man who treats her right.

Bottom Line: While the plot exposition isn't moving forward, it is gaining some depth. And our first Madonna-feminism debate is hatched! Another cherry popped!

The challenger:

I was last in my class

Barely passed at the institute

Now I'm trying to avoid, yeah I'm trying to avoid

A malpractice suit

Weird Al! Weird Al! Listen to me, just because the original song is on a plot treadmill doesn't mean you have to be. Remember Round 1? All we know now is that you sucked in school, but we could kinda infer that from the first stanza. He also is already showing some signs of inconsistency, the hallmark of lazy parody. Remember, in the first stanza he makes a mistake or two. Now he's incompetent. The malpractice thing at the end gives him a small humor point. But just a small one. It mainly reminds me of tort-reform assholes.

Bottom Line: Madonna seems to have sucked Al into her trap of not advancing the plot much. Meanwhile, all Al could muster was a lame joke. A better joke, and he'd be looking much better this round.

Verdict: Madonna.