'Day' Job

There Goes My Boffo Box Office

Mingle²

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

• sex (9x)
• sexy (6x)
• crap (2x)
• assholes (1x)

Damn, I thought "Ben Shapiro" or "collective vagina" would have done it.

Friday Random Ten

Previous editions here.

"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Dance With a Pimp," Kevin Federline (featuring Ya Boy)
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna

Please Stand By

The blogger is ill. Regular posting will resume shortly, including my Las Vegas story, which will involve Marcel from "Top Chef," Pete Rose, the lead singer of the Flaming Lips and lots of porn.

The Most Beautiful Sight

Let's all heartily thank Terri for continuing this amazing blog while I was in Las Vegas for the "Like a Virgin" conference. Trying to figure out how my mind works? I think that makes her the most ambitious guest blogger in "Like a Virgin" blogging history.

I will have a full report from the conference tomorrow, but as a tease, let me just say that all of us conference participants felt shiny and new in one another's company, despite the effects of the viscous air inside the Gold Spike.

Anybody got a twenty I can borrow?

Not-So-Veiled References

I rewatched Madonna's performance of our favorite song at the 1984 MTV Awards, with the sound off, and I have to say it reminds me of George Michael's "Star Wars" performance in "Arrested Development." Except for when she humps her veil.
That perception could come from the fact that the camera seems to have trouble following her, as she throws herself to the ground and then practically walks off the stage at some point.
You'll be happy to know this woman, all growed up, is No. 4 on Forbes's list of the richest women in entertainment. The list has all these caveats - it doesn't include people who don't really work and just live off royalties, for example - but good for the Material Girl!
And that will pass for today in virgin news.

How Tim's Brain Works

I can't find ANY new virgin news today. And I still have no idea why Richard Branson calls all his companies "virgin," though I plan to fix that ... tomorrow, maybe.
Tonight, what we will ponder is the creator of this blog, who has so wisely let me guest blog in his absence.
Does he mean for the whole blog to beat about "Like a Virgin" the song, or the album of the same name? Because if we open up to blogging about such song as "Material Girl," from that album, it really could get exciting.
And why did he choose to be difficult and call comments "deflowerings"?
How much money has he lost in Vegas? What will he bring me as a present for guest blogging? Hopefully a belt that says "boy toy," in honor of the Material Girl herself.

Today in Virgin News

Richard Branson's Virgin America is trying to overhaul its ownership so that the U.S. government gives it the right to fly. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to find out why Branson calls everything "virgin."
Or one of you can tell me.

Come Again?

From your guest blogger:
I've only ever really sung "Like a Virgin" while slightly hammered, so I'm not sure whether I know the lyrics. I've danced like a rock star to them, though. I'm sure there's video evidence out there somewhere.
Apparently many people out there have thought that Madonna dropped the f-bomb instead of saying "touched" in the "touched for the very first time" line. Seriously? This is Madonna, people. Subtlety is how she plays it. Haven't you seen her music videos?
Others thought that it was "touched for the thirty-first time."
Guess they were more hammered than I was.

Meet Your Temporary Not Madonna

I have good news and good news. I'm going to Vegas! Yes, through your generous contributions, I will be able to attend the fabulous "Like a Virgin" convention, held in the prestigious Gold Spike parking lot. My only problem is deciding which seminars to attend. They all look so good!

• Out With the Cabbage, in With the "Like a Virgin" Tomatoes! (Discussion and dance-off led by Sean D'Souza, marketing genius, pictured at right)
• Lacy White Garters: Are They for Your Legs? (equipment fee applies)
• Will You Ever Feel Shiny and New Again?
  
• Ben Shapiro: Like a Virgin or Is a Virgin? (moderated by Ben Shapiro)
• Groupie-Avoidance Techniques for "Like a Virgin" Bloggers
• "Made It Through the Wilderness": Ovidian Allegory of Sex or Hallucination of the Post-Deconstructionist Collective Vagina? (Lecture featuring James Miller of the University of Western Ontario. Free Barbie-and Foucault doll sets will be handed out!)

Anyway, the other good news is that guest blogger Terri will be holdin' it down during my absence. She's been practicing in Paris, where she did nothing in the past week but sit in her hotel room in a wedding dress, watching the VMA video over and over again.

You're in good hands, readers.

Madonna vs. Weird Al: The Final Round

The eyes of the world are on a packed Virgin-Surgeon Stadium to see if Weird Al can comes back to tie the competition and force overtime or Madonna walks away with it. (Here are the all the rounds. After getting behind early, "Like a Virgin" leads the series, 4-3.)

Madonna:

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Ooh, baby

Can't you hear my heart beat

For the very first time?

Analysis: Madonna's definitely in her prevent defense here in the song's outro, playing it safe with some sexy moans and a slightly adapted reiteration of an earlier chorus motif. We're definitely in a languid post-sex haze, so she gets points for easily getting that across. I like a concise pop song. I'm just a little confused as to why she assumes her partner is only now hearing her heartbeat for the first time. Madonna's already commented repeatedly on sensing the partner's heartbeat. My guess is it's a clunky allegory for rebirth. Which sounds pretty un-feminist: Through sperm, I can live again!

Bottom Line: The lyrics are appropriate for writhe time, but the post-moan line could be a little less cheesy.

Weird Al:

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Ooh, baby, yeah

I can hear your heartbeat

For the very last time

Analysis: I'm going to take it a little easy on this one, because Al obviously doesn't have much to work with here. He gamely tackles the "Ohs," gaining irony points, but no way he's going to win that substanza vs. an actual sexy woman. He's no Ida Slapter. Then he goes the obvious route with the heartbeat, but it is a fitting end to the song.

Bottom Line: Always workmanlike, Al here does what he has to do to wrap up the song, no more and no less.

Verdict: Both songs kinda play it safe here at the end, though it is only an outro. I will award this point, and the championship, to Madonna because, in the end, it came down to ironic sexy vs. real sexy, and that's a no-brainer.

Madonna has successfully defended her song against the parodic challenger. Weird Al and his fans should not despair, however: "Beat It" was too afraid of "Eat It" to even have a competition.

Pretender to the Throne

Someone named Sophie Ellis-Bextor is making some waves with her song "Catch You."



I think the song is all right, but the video is amazing -- in that it wouldn't even exist if it weren't for "Like a Virgin." The dress (OK, it's red!), the writhing, Venice. Others have made this connection, so you know it's not my single-minded focus on Ben Shapiro, uhhh ... I mean "Like a Virgin." I suppose it might be a coincidence, because I guess you run out of interesting locations for sexy videos at some point, but I have my doubts.

The only real problem I have with the video is that I can't think of what plot reason she might have for playing air hockey at her breakfast table. But her red dresses are hot, so she has my blessing. You may breathe now.

Welcome!

Thanks to super-awesome blog World O' Crap for the link! Good things happen when I blog about Ben Shapiro, also including getting hits from people who googled "ben shapiro douche." It's just site-meter gold, apparently.

For those of you who are new to the site, that excitement you feel in the air is for the finale of Madonna vs. Weird Al, a stanza-by-stanza evaluation of "Like a Virgin" vs. "Like a Surgeon," coming early this week. It's like Super Bowl week, except for the part about the actual competition not living up to the hype.

The Virgin vs. the Grandma

I have already theorized on these pages that young, lithe, virginal conservative commentator Ben Shapiro gets his main motivation from being jealous of people who fuck. And his latest column supports the idea that he is full of "conservative jealousy." However, I seem to have underestimated the depth of his psychological problems. I had never considered that a source of envy might be sexual organs he does not posses. But here we have Virgin Ben, just dripping with jealous rage about lady parts:

Nancy Pelosi, however, could breastfeed on the speaker's podium and receive the plaudits of the mainstream media.

Pelosi is 66. I think she'd deserve a medal for that feat!

No woman in the history of politics has used her womb like Nancy Pelosi.

And Ben has never used his dick. So they're even.

It is no less offensive for Pelosi to run based on her uterus than it would be for a man to campaign based on his working prostate.

Yes, she got elected because there's nothing San Francisco voters like more than uterus. All they think about over there is breeding!

It insults women by stating that their special qualification for inclusion in politics springs from their genitalia.

"Spring from their genitalia"? He needs to lay off on researching porn.

Not Quite 'Like a Virgin,' Vol. 4: Marilyn Manson Edition

Somewhat amazingly considering my blogging prowess, Marilyn Manson's cover of "Like a Virgin" had escaped my attention. The situation has now been rectified. Listen here. (The site seems to think it's Blur, not Marilyn Manson, but, ummm, HA HA HA HA!)

I tell you, if anyone can make "edgy," "transgressive" or scary sound boring, it's this guy. Just plug it into the formula, Marilyn: Scratchy background noise, pointlessly fake drums, layers of keyboards (They're supposed to sound gothy, but that's just his look. Keyboards sound like '80s pop. Period.), hissy/breathy singing alternating with stiff, Teutonic baritone. Yawn. He's at the point where he's not scary in the least (and with this song selection, I actually think he's going for "cute"), and he's no pop wizard. Which leaves him with ... not much. At least he has a new girlfriend.

And I didn't even get into the five minutes of what could charitably be called "instrumental" at the end. Yes, it's a drum machine jam! Well, the length of the song did make me angry, which is an effect he probably hasn't had on anyone (expect his wife) in years.

Friday Random Ten: One Bassline Fits All

"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Livin' on a Prayer," Bon Jovi
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch)," The Four Tops
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Like a Virgin," Madonna
"Billie Jean, " Michael Jackson

RELATED: Check out the top 8 on this list of the top 100 '80s songs (according to VH1, apparently). Those eight songs have only 6 basslines! What happened?! Was there a shortage of bass clef staff paper in the '80s?

Madonna vs. Weird Al: Countdown to the Championship Round

Songs About Sex Sell Stuff

When Sean D'Souza wrote about using "Like a Virgin" to market products, he totally dropped the ball, losing his train of thought in a tsunami of mixed metaphors and bizarre psychobabble, or at least just babble. So as a public service, I will take a much more straightforward approach to this crucial subject.

Here are some products "Like a Virgin" would make a great commercial jingle for, in order of appropriateness:

1. Douche. A terrible product and a scam, of course, and a word best left as an insult for Ben Shapiro. But "you made me feel shiny and new"? Come on, you know you can move units with that!

2. The Bushnell Onix 400. This new gizmo combines GPS tracking with XM satellite radio, so you can actually listen to "I made it through the wilderness" while you are making it through the wilderness!

3. A nice, big dildo. This relies on the "Reservoir Dogs" theory of "Like a Virgin," that it's about a woman's first experience with, uhh, something huge. The "make me strong, make me bold" part can be a nice touch of go-it-alone female empowerment, too, but the ad would have to avoid the "when your heart beats" parts of the song. And it wouldn't hurt to use some snippets of dialogue from that scene in the movie, to prime the viewer.

4. Not-first-wedding wedding dresses. This one is kinda self-explanatory.

Weird Al's Fans Put on Their Rally Caps

He may be down 4-3 in the "Like a Virgin"-"Like a Surgeon" Bowl, but at least one blogger is getting the wave started in his section of the stands. Is there enough time on the clock for a comeback?

What He Said

En el 2004 lanzo I’d Like a Virgin, donde ofrecería su particular visión de canciones de Michael Jackson, Coldplay o Snoopy Dog.

Indeed!